


Sex Ed

by WolfstarGarden



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff, Getting Together, Humour, M/M, Marauders' Era, No Angst, all happy, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-17 01:36:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9298355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfstarGarden/pseuds/WolfstarGarden
Summary: Every year, the Heads of Houses hold a special class. Finally, it's the Marauders' turn. The teachers seem determined to traumatise them, but for Remus and Sirius there are unexpected learning outcomes...





	

“Right, all seventh year boys, follow me, please!” piped a surprisingly loud squeak.

“Hm?” Remus looked up from his coffee, wonderingly. This had never happened before. Every morning during the week went the same way: wake up, drag a reluctant James out of bed. Ablutions, breakfast, lessons. Never once, in a previous six years at Hogwarts, had a teacher asked such a specific thing of them on a Friday morning.

“Ooh, what’s this, then?” Sirius asked, grey eyes bright with interest. Anything unusual - or risky – was bound to attract his attention.

“Seventh year girls, to the Transfiguration classroom, if you please!” barked another voice, and Remus tore his gaze from Professor Flitwick, who was making shepherding gestures at students as he headed rapidly for the doors, to Professor McGonagall, who was marching her way down the edge of the hall, cheeks slightly paler than usual.

James looked over his glasses with regret as Lily Evans and her group of friends hurriedly gulped down the last of their pumpkin juice and bustled after their head of house. “What’s going on?”

“You’re head boy, Prongs, you tell us,” Remus said with a sigh, then swallowed the last of his coffee too quickly, spluttering as it seared the inside of his oesophagus. Sirius thumped him on the back with a cheery heaviness, nearly making him cough it all back up. “Merlin, Pads, are you trying to kill me?”

“Always, Mister Moony. Don’t ask stupid questions.” Sirius rolled his eyes then looped an arm through Remus’ and hauled him from the table. The boys joined a straggling line of other seventh years following Flitwick, who hustled them down to the cold damp of the Potions dungeon.

The group of yawning and confused boys found Professor Slughorn waiting when they entered. He was flicking his wand about, transforming the usually plain, drab of the room into a surprisingly chipper version of itself, decorated with innumerable pictures of Beings of all species, couples embracing and various other romantic imagery. A large selection of cushions and beanbags were scattered about the room, and the blackboard that Slughorn seldom used had been replaced with what Remus recognised as a magical projector screen.

The lycan looked at his friends in absolute confusion, and they stared back with matching expressions of stunned bewilderment.

“Please, come in boys! Sit down, make yourselves comfortable!” Slughorn threw his arms wide, inviting and jovial.

There was bemused muttering as the seventh years hesitantly settled about the room, splitting roughly into house groups. Sirius shrugged, grinned, and flung himself into a beanbag, barking with delight at its protesting hiss. He dragged Remus down beside him, who banged his knee hard as he landed. James and Peter slumped onto cushions next to them.

There was a tangible rill of apprehension in the air.

The two professors regarded them from the front of the class, one standing in front of his desk and the other on top of it. Slughorn was beaming down at them, Flitwick more reserved.

“Well, now boys. Today you’re all in for a special ... treat, shall we say? Now, our guidelines being what they are, you may consider seventh year a little too late for this, but we can only teach such things to legal adults.”

“A rather archaic policy,” Flitwick chirped, “Considering especially that many of you may already have some experience. Earlier instruction would be more beneficial to you, of course, to eliminate social confusion and potential danger.”

“Oh no,” Remus whispered, feeling his face drain of life. Sirius glanced at him, brow arched. Remus couldn’t meet his eye.

“Certainly, certainly,” Slughorn agreed. “But despite that, we have a duty to teach you all the same, and it has always been that on the first Friday of seventh year...”

“Oh god,” James mumbled, ripping his glasses from his nose and rubbing them furiously against his tie.

“We take a single day from usual lessons...”

“Eep!” Peter squealed, pure panic.

“And split you up to remove some embarrassment...”

“It’s not working!” hissed one of Severus Snape’s few friends.

“To teach you about the facts of life,” Slughorn finished triumphantly, as the words “sex ed” formed in huge, blinding silver letters above his head.

“Sexy!” Sirius grinned, nudging Remus.

The rest of the class yelped, looking everywhere except at each other.

Remus leaned around Sirius’ cheeky grin to poke James in the ribs. “Did you know about this, Prongs?”

The Head Boy shook his head mutely, mouth hanging open somewhat unattractively. He had replaced his glasses, and those five offensive letters glimmered in their lenses. Next to him, Peter’s face was the colour of beetroot cake beneath his mop of mousy hair.

Sirius propped his head back on folded arms, leaning back. “Well, at least this class won’t be boring,” he said, eyes glinting behind his hair.

Slughorn was outlining the lesson plan. “To begin with, a review of legalities – who is able to engage in congress with whom, marriage and polygamy, muggle views and international relations.” As Slughorn spoke, the words dot-pointed themselves in blue on the projector beside him. “Then we’ll take a break, before coming back to discuss sexual health and responsibility and how that may be affected by the species of your partner or partners...”

The class gaped, everyone wide-eyed and blatantly horrified.

“I will give you my whole fortune if you’ll kill me now,” James groaned.

“Murder-suicide pact, Prongs,” Remus agreed. His belly was filled with cold lead – _this can’t really be happening_ , he thought, _it has to be a dream, and in a minute I’ll wake up and these two past-it professors will_ not _be here telling me how to have sex_.

“We’ll break for lunch and the final period for the day will be on the mechanics of congress and how they relate to your partner or partners, preferences, fetishes and basic good manners.”

Sirius was laughing, a low chuckle deep in his throat. James was silent, mouth agape. Peter was making a muffled squeaking noise. Remus willed his own head to explode, _now_ , thank you.

Flitwick began to speak. Studious as Remus was, he was sorely tempted to stick his fingers in his ears and hold his breath until he passed out.

“Nothing to be embarrassed about, boys!” Flitwick piped. “It’s all perfectly natural!”

Remus groaned and covered his eyes.

“We are well aware that many of you already are likely to have some knowledge, and probably some prior experience of sexual relations...”

“Did Flitwick really just say s-sexual relations?” James finally managed to grind out some words. Remus nodded miserably. Sirius continued to laugh.

“It is traditional in the wizarding world to abstain until the age of seventeen, when you become legal adults capable of giving consent. Some of you may have been raised differently, so we like to start with...”

Flitwick began to rattle off a lot of guidelines and stipulations the Ministry of Magic had outlined in the Beings Division about procreation and interbreeding. Opposite sex, same sex or any variation thereof was fine and legal. Giants, goblins, merpeople and centaurs were all viable partners, if they were willing and the wizard or witch was able. Any creature from the Beast or Spirit Division was not allowed. Muggles were fair game, though magical partners were encouraged to use their discretion about revealing themselves.

Remus was steadfastly thinking of England when the words ‘no Beasts’ hit his ears. He squirmed with a whole different type of discomfort, and Sirius rolled his head on the pillow of his arms, opening his eyes to survey him. A frown crinkled his brow. “What’s wrong, Moony?”

Remus felt embarrassingly emotional. He shook his head, expression pinched. Sirius sat up, their shared bag rustling and shifting with him. He grabbed Remus’ wrist. “Don’t do that. Don’t shut me out. What is it?”

Remus sucked in a deep breath, his lips in a tight line. “No Beasts,” he muttered. “Werewolves are Beasts.”

James glanced over, sensing something was wrong. Sirius tapped his shoulder to reassure him, then turned back to Remus. He wrapped a hand around Remus’ neck and tugged him in, touching their foreheads together. “Moony, I had no idea you were so insatiable. But I’m sure you can manage to go without sex for one night every month.”

Stunned, Remus laughed and everyone glanced around. Flitwick looked a little flustered. “Well, boys?” he squeaked expectantly.

Sirius beamed. “I was just explaining to Remus here the benefits of abstinence practiced at least once a month,” he said and winked.

Flitwick paused for a moment, then crossed to Remus. “Most assuredly. Though not necessary any other time, unless by choice,” he murmured, patting Remus’ hand gently. To the class at large, he said, “Abstinence, or refraining from intercourse is always a personal choice, driven by many different factors, and we will be discussing it further later in the day. Now, back to inter-species relations...”

When they were finally let out for a break, a swarm of traumatised young men staggered ecstatically out of the dungeons. The Marauders swept through the Hall and outside, heading for the beech tree by the lake.

“Whew,” Peter breathed. “What on earth?”

James was squinting through his lenses. “You worried about your furry little problem, Moony?”

Remus guarded his expression carefully. “Yeah. They basically said I was off-limits.”

“Well, I got him to backtrack, didn’t I?” Sirius said, throwing his arm heavily around Remus’ shoulders. “Damned indelicate of him to be so obtuse.”

“Well, at least we all now know that it’s illegal to have sex with Remus during the full moon,” James said, grinning. “I’ll try to restrain myself.”

“I thought you enjoyed lawbreaking, Prongs?” Remus asked seriously. James winked and they shared a laugh. It felt damned good, and Remus felt some of the tension ease out of him.

James was looking thoughtful. “We’ve been seventeen for months, all of us. Why the hell didn’t we get taught this stuff last year?”

“Not everyone would have been of age,” Peter said. He was plucking blades of grass and tearing them absently.

“Yeah, but they could have done it like they did with Apparating lessons,” James said.

“Keen to put the knowledge to the test, Jimmy?” Sirius grinned at him, eyebrows wagging.

James actually flushed. “Oh, and like you’re not?”

“Who says I haven’t?” Sirius asked.

James laughed. “We’ve been living together for over a year, Padfoot. I know you haven’t.”

Sirius shrugged, looking unbothered. “When my beloved finally recognises me for the great man that I am, I’m sure it will happen. Oh wait, that’s your issue. Sorry, mate.”

James thumped him on the shoulder, but he was grinning. “Hey, Dumbles made me Head Boy. She’s got to respect that. Plus, y’know, she’s been looking at me. I’ve seen it, and Moony confirmed it.”

“Sure, Prongs,” Remus said blankly, leaning against the tree trunk and closing his eyes.

Despite the reassurances, Remus was struck by the obvious _werewolf_ stigma he carried. It seemed highly unlikely that anyone would be able to see past that. Not even Sirius, surely, who always supported him and shirked what society expected of him.

And it hurt, because far too often Remus had considered going to bed with Sirius.

Sirius, his beautiful, loyal, moody, troubled friend.

Sirius who was always hands-on and always flirting with him.

Sirius, who Remus had realised he loved in a way more than just platonic about six months ago, when they had shared a chaste, drunken kiss on New Year’s eve at the Potter’s party.

 “Whattaya reckon it’d be like to do it with a mermaid?” Peter wondered out loud, breaking through Remus’ reverie.

Sirius shuddered. “Wet.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” James asked, grin sliding across his narrow face.

“Ugh,” Remus said as Peter laughed.

“Have you ever seen a wizard-centaur hybrid? What d’you think that’d be like?”

“Is that where satyrs come from maybe? You know, hooves and tail but only two legs?”

“Probably not,” Remus said. “Slughorn did say there’s no record of it having ever happened, centaurs being too proud and haughty to interbreed.”

“So many options!” Sirius said, laughing. “So little inclination!”

“D’you think the ‘no Beasts’ thing counts when we’re in our Animagus forms?” Peter asked.

“It would have to,” James said, rummaging through his satchel to find his stolen snitch. Remus saw its golden wings flittering between his long fingers. “Because we’re still in command of our minds, so we’re still accountable. Fancy chasing some ... uh, wormtail?” James grinned cheekily, beginning his catch-and-release practice with his snitch.

Peter watched him, mouth ajar. Then James’ words registered. “No!”

Sirius and Remus laughed.

The amusement dried up quickly once they returned to the classroom. There was something about two middle aged wizards explaining sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancy that was more cringe-inducing than humorous.

“Protection Potions! Very important,” Slughorn said cheerily. Remus got the distinct impression he was enjoying making them uncomfortable. “A case of dragon warts in intimate places is most assuredly _not_ what you want. You not only have the responsibility to your own health, but also to keep any partner safe.

“Of course, as we established this morning, monogamy is most common amongst the magical community, so chances of diseases spreading are minimised. But if you change partners...”

Slughorn went on with good cheer, explaining in great detail, images flashing on the projector behind him. Remus snatched at Sirius’ hand, eyes wide. Even his friend looked horrified now, his knees drawn up tight and free hand covering his genitals as though he could stop hypothetical dragon warts from sprouting. “BSV,” Slughorn was saying. “Bloodsnare virus. Potentially terminal, no cure. No treatment. Easily contracted from an infected person. Not worth the chance.”

Remus was shivering when they were let out for lunch. “I am never, ever having sex,” he blustered.

“Me neither,” Sirius mumbled, still gripping his hand.

James’ own hands were waving around awkwardly. “What the hell do I normally do with my hands?” he asked in a whimper.

Peter whistled tunelessly. “I can’t believe they had pictures.”

“Merlin’s wand, the pictures!” Sirius said in a high, strangled voice.

“I’m pants at Potions,” Remus said suddenly with horrified realisation. “How am I supposed to make a Protection Potion?”

“Stick with the Prevention Charms, Remus. You’re not bad at Charms,” James said, his voice almost normal, though his eyes were wide and dry in his head. He looked as though he hadn’t blinked for an hour.

They staggered into the Great Hall, where they were met with a horde of similarly traumatised seventh year girls.

Everybody became incredibly flustered, plates and mugs banging, cutlery clanging, forced conversation and stilted laughter.

James was looking at Lily, eyes bugging out even further. “Oh, Merlin’s beard! How can I ever think about her again without remembering what...”

Remus was wondering the exact same thing about Sirius, but even that fear was not enough to make him let go of that bracing hand.

Up at the head table, the four head professors sat together, laughing. It was clearly a great joke to them, Remus thought. For the first time, he was glad werewolves had a shortened lifespan. It would make it easier to die a virgin.

Nobody had an appetite. Remus sipped a cup of coffee and ate a chocolate biscuit, and felt strangely ill. Sirius was still clutching his hand, shuddering sporadically as he absently gnawed on a drumstick. James’ unblinking right eye had begun to twitch.

“Oh sweet Godric...” Remus whispered as the teachers stood. “What next?”

Sirius shuddered. James twitched. Peter gulped.

They returned to the dungeons.

“Intercourse positions!” Slughorn cried, beaming around at them all. “The most obvious position, boys? Really, no one? Well...” Slughorn flicked his wand, and the projector screen flashed up an image of a couple, wound together. The figures were androgynous, but clearly human. “Now, the problem with this position is...”

“Sirius,” Remus whispered.

“Uh huh?”

“D’you think you could hit me with Avada Kedavra right now?”

“Uh, I would, Moony... but who’s going to do me?”

“What if we stand side-by-side and hit each other?”

“Good plan. Are you ready?”

Remus drew his wand and Sirius looked at it, then they both began to laugh quietly. Sirius’ hand wound tightly with his again.

The projector reflected a mass of nervous and embarrassed faces as the class stared with unwilling fascination at the images of positions, interspecies couples and examples of fetishes were shown to them, Slughorn’s joyful narration a constant accompaniment.

The basic biology and mechanics of intercourse were the final thing to learn. Slughorn happily explained the intricacies of foreplay, oral sex, and everything below the waist.

“Sirius, can you transfigure the floor to swallow me whole?” Remus whispered, aghast. Sirius’ only answer was a strangled gargle.

Slughorn was explaining intimacy. An image of a couple was on the screen behind him, wrapped in a romantic embrace and touching carefully, a suggestion of sincere feeling, their genderless faces pressed in a kiss.

Sirius’ eyes were fixed on the image. “We should try that, Moony,” he said distantly, accidentally.

Remus blinked.

The image changed, and Flitwick began talking.

Remus forced himself to turn and look at Sirius. Grey eyes stared back at him. “I didn’t say anything!” Sirius whispered shrilly.

Remus blinked again, his quick mind utterly blank. He said the first words that came to him. “Do you want to?”

Sirius’ jaw dropped open. “Uhhh... uhm...”

Remus gave him a puzzled look and turned away. He didn’t register a single word for the rest of the class. When it was finally over, Remus crushed Sirius’ hand in his and dragged him out the room, moving fast. Slughorn’s cheery reminder of “Protection Potions!” echoed down the cold stone walls behind them.

“Moony! Moony, stop!”

But Remus didn’t, he ran until they reached their dormitory, locking the door behind them. He paced restlessly while Sirius stared at him with uncharacteristic nerves. He appeared very concerned about Remus’ mental state. Remus was just glad everyone else was at supper.

“Why?” he asked finally, turning to Sirius.

“Uhh ... why what?”

“Why do you want to ... try that? Uh, with me, I mean.”

Sirius blanched and fell onto the nearest bed. He stared at his hands. “Can’t we just forget I said it?”

“No!” Remus said vehemently, surprising himself. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down, reaching deep inside for that place of stillness he so relied on. “Padfoot ... I want – well, _you_ anyway. That’s why I’m asking _why_.”

Sirius blinked at him, then a smile pulled his mouth up. He gave a short bark of laughter. “I want _you_ , idiot. Only I wasn’t supposed to say it out loud. Stupid class.”

Through gritted teeth, Remus said, “I don’t just want ... what they were teaching us.”

Sirius’ grin grew wider, brightening his worried expression. “Nor do I.”

Remus saw immediately that he had lost control of the situation. Sirius’ face held a look of thrilled anticipation, as though a long held dream had finally come true. He licked his lips, and locked his eyes to Remus’.

Remus took a deep breath and threw away his supreme control, crossing the room. He grabbed Sirius’ face, leaning down to catch his cheering mouth in a desperate, passionate kiss.

He had kissed before, but it was nothing like _this_ , nothing compared to kissing someone he really _wanted_ to kiss.

“Yes,” Sirius breathed against his lips, and then there were hands on him, pulling him closer, closer, returning his touch with happy fervour.

Remus slid onto Sirius’ knees, fingers twisting in Sirius’ long hair. Every nerve ending in his body suddenly sparked into life, and were all consumed with Sirius, the feel and scent of him, the surprising softness of his lips, the unsurprising force of his tongue as it met Remus’ own, hungry and needy.  Remus nipped Sirius’ lip and he jerked back, startled.

“Ooh,” Sirius said, touching his mouth with his fingertips. “Very sexy. Come back here.”

Remus laughed, glancing down at his hands. Huh, he didn’t remember grabbing Sirius’ shirt. And when had he wriggled in so close on his lap? Oh dear.

“Something is very wrong with us,” Remus mumbled, tugging gently on the fabric in his fists. “ _This_ ,” Remus drew out the word, emphasising it with an aggressive hauling on Sirius’ shirt, “should not have come out today’s classes.”

“Heh. Life’s a funny old thing. Think about it later, Moony.”

Remus stared at Sirius’ lips. That mouth he knew so well, that called him _Moony_ ... he’d just kissed that mouth. It was surreal. With a questioning gaze he leaned close again, pressed his lips curiously to Sirius’ willing pout. Yes, _this_ was real, it was really happening. So much yearning and finally here was Sirius, tangible and eager, with his tongue in Remus’ mouth. It was dizzying and wonderful.

When they drew apart, Remus asked, “How long? Padfoot?”

Sirius barked a laugh. “Too long, I’m guessing. C’mon, Moony, today’s been enough of a learning curve, hasn’t it? Rest your super-brain for a minute and _snog_ me.”

Remus was about to do as instructed when the door rattled in its frame, startling them both. There was the muffled sound of a spell and then the door swung inwards, hinges whining under the heavy strain.

“What are you – what on earth?”

Remus and Sirius both stared, horrified.

A frowning James stood in the doorway, hand stuck in the back of his hair. He tossed his head. “I can’t believe that lesson turned you on. Anyway, come and get some supper, will you?”

Remus and Sirius glanced at each other quickly. Remus toyed absently with one of the gilt buttons on Sirius’ shirt, becoming flustered when it slid open. “Uh...”

Sirius’ fingers wrapped around his own, stilling them. Airily, he said, “We’re right behind you Prongs. But it wasn’t the class that turned us on. It was each other.”

James rolled his eyes and rumpled his hair, then let his hand drop. “Yeah, whatever, mate. Just keep it down when I’m in here. Now, McGonagall has promised treacle tart for dessert since we had all that horror today. You two coming or what?”

Remus looked back at Sirius. “I am kinda hungry. I guess ... we can continue this after?”

Sirius’ hesitant expression turned into a brilliant grin, all teeth and charm. “Abso _lutely_.”

“Good,” James said impatiently, “Hurry up.”

Remus sighed and wriggled off Sirius’ lap, reaching to help him to his feet. “Can’t bear to be without us, eh, Prongs?” Sirius said, unable to keep the smile from his face.

“Sure, Pads.” James said, eyeing him over the top of his glasses.

“You don’t seem surprised to have walked in on us, Prongs,” Remus said minutes later as they made their way back downstairs.

James snorted and laughed. “I’m only surprised it never happened sooner! The way you two sop over each other all the time. Figures sex had to damn near slap you in the face before you’d acknowledge it. Moony, you over think everything, and Pads you never think at all. If either of you had mellowed a bit this probably would have happened years ago. And I would have had an easier life.”

Remus blinked and Sirius slung an arm around him, drawing him close. And Remus decided to take James’ advice, and just stop thinking about things for a moment. When Sirius grinned at him again, Remus realised that it was actually surprisingly easy to do.

_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this before I realised JK stated Hogwarts has no Sex Ed class - so consider it headcanon. Didn't think I'd ever get it finished - it's been sitting in my computer for a very long time!


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